When The Truth Makes Living This Life Hard

Cancer has become an everyday part of our lives over the last few years.  Since Connor was diagnosed 6 years ago we haven't really had much of a break from it.  Really it is something that is discussed almost on a daily basis at my house with the knowledge that it is "right around the corner" and could rear its ugly head at any time.  But, because of this, it has become something that we are almost desensitized to.  Dark humor creeps in to make it bearable and, heck, it is our reality so we deal with it.  But every now and then Cancer reminds us that it is real, and it truly can make you feel powerless and heart sick.

My mom was diagnosed with her cancer, Neuroendocrine Carcinoma, about a year and a half ago now.  The average life expectancy for this type of cancer is 8 years.  We hold to that strongly and hope for even more time.  So far she really has handled most of her treatments well.  The cancer makes her feel sick and icky most of the time, but she is also able to handle it fairly well (she's a seriously tough cookie) and has continued to live a mostly normal life.  It has kind of lulled us into a false sense of security.

In January Grandma Kitty had a scan done to assess the growth of the cancer.  It was not as positive as we would have liked, but not too bad either.  It showed that there was new growth (the bad part) but that all of her tumors were still fairly small.  Because of the new growth the doctors and my parents decided to try to do embolization again.  Embolization is where they go in through a vein in her leg, straight to her liver (where most of the tumors are) and administer chemo directly on the tumors.  She had done this once before and it worked well, shrinking the tumors that they treated.

The procedure actually went well and my mom came out only wanting Ibuprofen for the pain.  But, after two days at home she began to be in a lot of pain.  Her bowels were not functioning and she ended up having to be taken to the ER.  They admitted her and she had to stay for two days.  No real blockage was found so treatment was given to just try to get things working right again and moving.  They also found that her gallbladder was enlarged and that was probably aiding to the pain she felt.

This really isn't anything that is normally really life threatening, but for someone who already has a tumor in her bowels it was scary for us.  It also reminded us that just because she seems fine a lot of the time doesn't mean that the cancer has gone away.  It happened over the weekend of Landon's birthday and I spent the whole weekend a big mess and on an emotional eating binge (which I still haven't been able to reign in all the way).

The hardest part for me was feeling like I was so far away and helpless.  I couldn't be there to give her a hug (even though I know she was drugged up for much of it) or to hold my daddy's hand.  To make sure that he was taking care of himself and to just pull together with my family.  I have learned that at times like this I really like to be with my family.  When Shelly died I didn't want to be alone, I practically camped out at Annie's house.  My dad did a great job of keeping me informed and that helped.  But, I still felt helpless.

I know that even if I were in Boise and close to her I would feel that way.  That is what Cancer does.  It takes power and control away.  It tries to overwhelm.  I am grateful that most of the time I get to put it on the back burner and forget that it is inevitably there.

This was the first time since my mom's diagnosis that it seemed really real to me again.  Cancer will steal another family member away from me far before I am ready.  And, I guess, in some ways we needed that reminder.  The reminder to not get so complacent.  To make sure that we are remembering the lessons we learned from the deaths of Connor and Shelly.  To make sure that we are giving the very most of our time and love to one another and taking nothing for granted.

I am grateful for the power of the priesthood.  For the healing I know it helped provide in my mom's body.  I am grateful for the knowledge of an eternal family and the comfort that brings.  I know that we have guardian angels from the other side administering to us and that they are linked to us more closely than for others.  But most of all, I am grateful for the family I have here.  For the love and support that we can give to each other when the truth makes living this life hard.